I am a weapon of massive consumption, it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function.

[girlanachronism]

I'm listening to a song and I just heard the line 'shot down like a pro-choice doctor in texas'.

O.o

They're odd boys, British India. Anyway, I'm really just posting because I had a weird, weird dream. And I wanted to describe it, because I'm bored.

Starts off in a big office building, and I'm with a friend of mine and we're trying to convince this girl not to have this new surgery that makes you really really pretty and all, because we're suspicious of it, and I keep saying things like 'have you never seen any films or something? if it's too good to be true, it's because it's too fucking good to be true!' and my friend Jessica is trying to work out if we're in a horror movie by checking if people have fake boobs. Then there's zombies everywhere, which makes perfect sense in dream-logic, and we're running along with everyone else to get out the door. Except it's jammed, and the zombies have reached the stragglers and are starting to eat them, and I'm getting crushed worse than at BDO.

Anyway, then Jess and I make a break for the elevator and get there just in time, going up two floors (all the zombies and other people are on the ground floor, for some reason) and climbing out the window. We get into a car, and then bicker for a while because neither of us actually know how to drive. And then we take it in turns, reversing when we mean to go forward, looping in circles, smashing into things and calling out apologies to all the zombies we knock over.

Skip to night time (no idea why) and we're going down a cliffside squinting trying to see the road ahead because we don't know how to put on the headlights. Jess keeps saying we have to pick up hitchhikers and save them, and I keep saying I really don't want to open any doors and they're all walking in a suspiciously lurching manner. Then we reach a big sort of clearing thing, full of bodies and cars with the lights on and mobile phones all plugged into chargers all over the ground.

Then it starts getting a bit weird.

We go to pick another car, because ours is shit, and Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear comes out of nowhere and starts saying we're picking the wrong one and tries to get us to take a sporty lambourghini type thing. I point out it has no roof, which is bad for deterring zombies. Jeremy sulks. We get into a really big black car instead and Jeremy bags drivers seat. Just as we're about to leave we hear running, and this guy being chased by a whole pile of the old zombies comes along, and we grab him and pull him into the car as we drive away. It's Rufus Wainwright.

So it ends up with Jess in the passenger seat yelling at Jeremy that we're trying to get away, not hit the mximum amount of zombies in the minimum time, and Jeremy just laughs and says 'ok, ok, but so long as you admit I can hit more than May', and I'm singing Hallelujah in the back with Rufus. And I tell him I'm too hysterically scared to be embarassed, and I want him to know he has a lovely voice and kiss him on the cheek.
 
Then Jess is suddenly Stephen Colbert (once again, made perfect sense in dream-logic) and is telling Rufus that once when he was doing a musical he used to practice the duets with a tape of Rufus singing, and they both get all excited, and start singing the songs in a very romantic way. And Jeremy is all 'bloody homosexualists' and I'm cracking up.

And then I woke up, and the world seemed so tragically boring.

So that's the dream. Yeah. I seriously did dream that. Not that I care if you believe me or no, it makes no difference, but it would be nice if you did. Because then you could understand my eagerness to go to bed tonight and see if I can come up with something similar.

Yes, I know dreams don't work like that.

Oh, shut up.